Human

I am human. Imperfect, a contradiction at times. I don't identify as a criminal but I have spent many days in jail. Introspect is a heavy ability. I see a lot of myself. I am a Buddhist and a devotee of Krsna, I am an anarchist and an iconoclast, a father, a son, a captive, a felon...I am none of these things. I am all of them. I am human.

Dream, jan 2013

I am walking through New Castle. It looks like the 30's...I am an outcast, people are terrified of me, they make way when I pass. I enter a speakeasy and take up conversation with the criminal element. We discuss an alliance with Mexico and acquiring illegal boats.

Mass Appeal

1-30-13

Talked to A---X today...about my blog(http://chaos1976.blogspot.com/2012/01/scandal-butler-county-prison.html). I am going to count this as one for the good guys!! He was very professional about it despite his personal feelings on the matter. He seems to think that I was focusing on him, which I was not...I didn't focus on anyone, simply stated the issues and my very informed opinion. Of course he denied the entire thing, denied that there ever was an investigation for sexual misconduct...Yeah, I know...because I can't read. I mean, the whole thing was surprisingly in the paper.

I have to say that I am actually flattered that the prison would even read my blog...being a lowly and humble character, I am flattered that they were made uncomfortable.

Of course everyone involved, myself and concerned parties know the truth. Conviction or not, charges or not...I have never been accused of anything that I was absolutely innocent of, that is a rare case. And in the off chance that the FBI, Butler Eagle Newspaper, and several women who have been prisoners at the BCP are completely off base...I apologize to anyone offended by my opinion, but I feel as I feel: If you have power and abuse it, then be prepared to sleep in the bed you've made.

You cannot see gravity or karma...but you will feel them, and for the worse if you abuse them,

Song for the day: James Brown-I Feel Good

Maddog as Eye Candy?

Well...I don't know if I should be flattered or not, but one guard in particular has gotten into the habit of strip searching us every time we leave laundry...Which, for real if everyone did it, I wouldn't even think twice about it. It IS jail after all...so the search itself isn't what bothers me. Nah...I am concerned with the fact that NO other guards strip us. Weird. I mean, I am an open minded guy...I'm not a homophobe by any stretch, but I am not down with being some jail guard's secret man crush...It's hard out here for a pimp.

God's Country

What a peculiar event...though I am still questioning the jail's (or more properly the Re-Entry coordinator's) ability to force one to go to church I have to say that I can think of worse things to do with my time. The people are hella nice and don't seem like snake handling maniacs...I respect that the church reaches out to prisoners.

That said...Re-Entry consists of all these different programs-AA, Domestic Violence, Nutrition, Financial Literacy, etc. Two of the "groups",which are mandatory, are Mentoring and God's Country. Mentoring consists of faith based(Christian)...God's Country is basically Hee-Haw with Jesus. While I have the utmost respect for the people that bring in Mentoring and who put on God's Country, I am very uncomfortable to be in a position that if I WAS to refuse to go to these programs I would more than likely go to the hole, be kicked out of Re-Entry; losing my good time and possibly fucking my parole.

I study Krsna consciousness, I study Buddhism...I am tolerant of others beliefs, but I feel that I should be able to choose to go or not go to religious services while in jail.

Twitch

I have always joked that I would develop a twitch dealing with this county...Well, I've developed one. A rather nice one in my left eyelid. Fantastic.Thank you, BCP. Thank you, daily strip searches, Thank you, 24/7 lights. Thank you dehumanization.

Memento Mori(for Allen Ginsberg)

I need a second to breath

I need a penchant for sleaze

I need an immediate release

I need an ominous disease

           I want to be left alone

           I want two or three blessed clones

           I want a place to call home

           I want to quit cordite and chrome

                   

                    I like an unpredictable mess

                      I like to get it off my chest

                      I like it when tides crest  

                      I like to take it all in jest

dream 1/17/13

I am looking at an old house, thinking it would be a nice place to live. The house is beautiful but in disrepair. Wood siding, deep red paint. I walk up on the porch and look in the window and see that the house is empty. Not that it lacks furnishings, it is a void, a vacuum. At that moment an evil spirit says "You're dead" to which I reply "Yeah? Your sisters dead".

I guess I'm a sarcastic bastard even in my sleep.

Journal 1/16/13

If at first you don't succeed...fuck it.
                                                   +John Stewart

Sammy left a day early. I came back from laundry to an empty cell...I am glad he's out but I'll miss him, he's one of my true friends.

After settling in from work, I had this little panic attack...weird. Mixed feelings about parole hearing next week. Its not that it doesn't matter but things are unpredictable...can't get my hopes up.

I came to sort of a plateau with my frustration with the jail and re-entry. After some jostling with the powers that be, I have been put back on level three...which I earned, true enough.

Planning to contact and volunteer with Voice upon release, possibly volunteering to work with batterers. I need to get back into volunteering. I have experience, knowledge...rare and intimate knowledge. Michelle and Dawn seem supportive.

NA will be another immediate stop for me. It is the the foundation of my spirituality.

I don't want to complicate things...Renee says that staying out of jail should be my religion. Indeed, fraulein doktor, indeed.

They got the guns but we got the numbers...

Buddhism as revolution? Yeah, like and inner revolution. Against the grain. The world is a material prison, its venal. Kali Yuga is a real thing, look it up. Iron Age of Deceit and Hypocrisy...Metta, Lovingkindness is the opposition.

Like Bobby Sands said "The laughter of our children will be our revenge"