Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Lou Reed March 2, 1942 – October 27, 2013

The first time I remember hearing Lou Reed, I was a resident at the Chestnut Lodge School for Bad Little Bastards and Bastardettes. This would have been 1989/90. At this point I barely listened to anything that was outside of the hardcore/thrash zone...I was a snarky, know it all little shit and I had no tolerance for anything outside of my very small, insulated & isolated world.

I was taking a ride with a staff member, Dale, when he put in a Velvet Underground mixtape. Here I am, listening to this man spew forth poetry set to music...spilling pathos through the speakers. I was an outspoken youth...I remember Dale looking over at me and smiling. He said something to the effect of "This is real rebel music...for when you grow out of your punk faze." I am hearing heroin addiction, guns, transvestites. I am hearing the most beautiful telling of the most horrid tales. Sometime in the next week Dale brought me a copy of the Lou Reed/VU mixtape...and a lifelong appreciation and kinship for and with his music.

I never outgrew my "punk faze"...but I did make room for Lou Reed and his cracked sidewalk anthems in my repertoire. Lou Reed opened my world to Jim Carroll, Patti Smith and Tom Waits. He became my soundtrack...when my first daughter was conceived, it was The Beginning of a Great Adventure, when I was consuming ungodly amounts of coffee on the ghetto streets of Cleveland and writing my ass off I was taking a Walk on the Wild Side, when my youngest daughter was born Sweet Jane was on heavy rotation...and of course when I was shooting poison into my veins, Heroin played on as a testament to those who had built the junkie fraternity and survived.

Lou Reed's music will always be dear to me because Lou Reed was a real person. Lou Reed wrote with such naked honesty that sometimes I felt as if I was listening to someone's diary set to music...something that was not meant to be heard. Lou Reed bared his soul to the world. He was one of the last great outlaw american poets of his generation.

I am not saddened by his death. The man truly lived for his short 71 years...if anything I am glad for him. He deserves to rest well. Thank you for the music, Lou. Your rhythm will be missed. 

Thursday, October 24, 2013

"How you doing with this, dude?"

I don't even know what to say right now, I just know that I need to write or I will lose this moment. I am not in the best place ever, not processing these recent deaths with any ease. Brad passing is the 4th death of a close friend in one year. Beginning with Carl o.d.ing, Jimmy being beaten to death, Frito being shot by Miami PD, and now Brad. Death is mundane; as common as being born or breathing. This fact does not make death any easier. 

Mourning death is a selfish thing. I know this. Those departed are free from this world, from it's inherent unsatisfactory nature. Free from the state of affairs which the Vaisnavas so aptly call The Iron Age of Quarrel and Hypocrisy. The departed are gone one way or another from this world; whether you are an atheist or a devout believer-the pain of life is ended. So we mourn because we selfishly want our friend back, we mourn because we didn't get to say something to our departed that we feel we should have said. There was still some adventure to be had with our passed friend or loved one. 

I mentioned a few days ago that I am glad to go through this poison free...I want to feel this pain, every second of it. I am willing to embrace this loss without the luxury of numbness. I think that this is part of life. 

Thursday, October 17, 2013

Unbreakable

I call myself unbreakable and I think I deserve to...like in Psalms 69, my enemies number like the hairs on my head. I have survived everything that the world can throw and I am still walking around with my head up. My own personal mantra is the poem Invictus...and it's very meaning can be summed by just one of it's lines: My head is bloody, but unbowed"

I want to use this opportunity to say that surviving, being unbreakable isn't simply a matter of being hard. There is a point, yes, that you must be strong through life...but that's like saying that you must breathe oxygen in life, of course you do. Being unbroken by circumstance means retaining who you are at your core through out it all. At my core being, though I am aloof by nature, I am kind. I am optimistic. I am generous.

To me, if I would allow the events of my life to harden me unreasonably I wouldn't consider myself unbreakable. I am able to have survived what I did without being much different in demeanor than I was before these events. I don't know how...if I did I would freely give away the answer. Like some people like to say..."someone always said what you are trying to say, and they said it better" So here is a quote from Mother Theresa :

Do It Anyway - popularized by Mother Teresa
"People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered; forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives; be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies; succeed anyway.
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you; be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight; build anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, others may be jealous; be happy anyway.
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow; do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough; give the world the best you've got anyway.
You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God; It was never between you and them anyway."

Do you regardless of what life throws at you . Be truly unbreakable.

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Light & Water

Strange Grey. Retreat. Biscuit. These are the colors that Butler County Prison used to paint and detail it's insides with. Imagine bright florescent lights bouncing off of off white walls all day, 24 hours a day. This is part of the physicality of jail life in Butler County.

I want to talk today about just that, the physical side of jail...I have spent time already covering the very personal side of my own struggles at the jail, my biased opinions and my side of the experience. There is another side to incarceration that cannot be biased, it simply is.

Before going further, I am not someone who is under the illusion that jails should be exactly comfortable...there is discomfort in the so-called free world, and of course the comfort level in jail would be less than that. Naturally, jail will be bare bones necessity.

There are two points that I really want to cover now; the first being light, the second being water.

Light. In Butler County Prison, you are subject to florescent lights 24/7. I am not an optometrist, but I have to think that this is not good for one's eyes. There is a little respite at night when the staff generously turns one of the two lights in your cell off...but after a few minutes, you don't notice. You could comfortable read a book all night in the lighting. The jail actually sites the reasoning behind this is that it makes it easier for guards to count captives at night...as opposed to using their flashlights to look in. First...no one is going anywhere after lock in, counting is arbitrary. Second, if an individual considers using a flash light as hard work, maybe that individual shouldn't work in the corrections industry. Just opinion here...what do I know? In contrast, captives are provided little or no real opportunity to see real sunlight...the rec yard gets a thin ray of light for a short time during the day, and the windows in the cells are frosted to "prevent inmates from signalling free persons". Again, excuse me if my opinion is showing but what kinda chittlins is that? Signalling them for what exactly? An armed escape? A revolt? Laughable.

Water. The keystone of our life. Water in jail is not what most people would consider "drinkin' water". This over chlorinated, recycled water literally tastes like pool water.

Sometimes less is more. I am going to omit needless words and leave it at that. Chlorinated/recycled. Very little sunlight, if any.


Dream Oct 15th 2013

I am in jail, in some kind of holding area. Ronnie Hicks is there and he has been stabbed...it's not serious, light laceration. He is on a gurney and we are joking about how arbitrary jail rules are. At this point, on cue, a guard comes over and tells me that I have to leave because me talking to Ronnie when the ambulance comes is a security risk. We argue the point for a minute before I realize that the guard is just a little ant mindlessly going about this ant business. You cannot argue with these people in or out of dreams...it's futile. Followers will do anything to avoid thinking.

So I leave. Art Marx is there, standing by a door that leads to the outside...an enclosed walkway. I tell him that I can't stay any longer; if I do I'll completely lose my mind. He says he understands and will file the necessary papers when I leave...

I go through the walkway and end up in Kittanning. It looks like the 1940's I think, though I have no way of knowing what the 40's looked like. At any rate I am walking down by the river, there are a couple of old guys singing Vera by Pink Floyd. I sit there thinking about how depressing Pennsylvania is.

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

dream Oct 14 2013

I had a dream I was rock climbing in the Grand Canyon with John Joseph and Charles Bukowski. Civilization was crumbled, but that wasn't a part of the dream...just implied. Of course Bukowski was complaining the whole time. We camped in these cocoon-like single person tents that hung from our repelling gear.

We watched fire works and people far below canoeing  as we went to sleep.

When I woke up I had a cup of coffee and listened to Malfunction. 

haiku 10

ghost symphonies play
while trees in the forest fall
the forest remains


Life Oct 14 2013

I have been out one month. Things are going slow and I really can't complain about anything...I would have liked to have located employment by now, other than that things are good. I am doing my thing; writing, reading, listening to old blues and drinking strong coffee.

I don't know how all this is going to turn out...who does? There are good things happening slowly, repairing old friendships, forging new ones.

I have no desire to fight this world anymore. No, there's been no change of heart, it's simply futile...the world is as it is and I cannot allow myself to be joyous or pained about it. It's in flux, ever changing as it always has been and always will be. All I can do is go on about my business, do what I feel is right and live.

END TRANSMISSION

Saturday, October 12, 2013

The prison articles that started all this...

Since I mentioned previously that the entries on my old http://chaos1976.blogspot.com/ had spurred some dialogue between myself and the prison staff, I thought I should throw some links up here and share the original posts:

American Hardcore, banned in BCP

http://chaos1976.blogspot.com/2012/01/american-hardcore-banned-in-bcp_05.html

Prison Rant

http://chaos1976.blogspot.com/2012/01/prison-rant.html

Scandal @ BCP

http://chaos1976.blogspot.com/2012/01/scandal-butler-county-prison.html

Absolute Power Corrupts, Absolutely

http://chaos1976.blogspot.com/2012/01/absolute-power-corrupts-absolutely.html

some vintage shit...enjoy!!

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Serenity and Forgiveness

It has been 18 months since my last drug/drink/high. Things are not perfect by any stretch, but I feel good. I have had temptation but am still able to say that poison is not a part of my life today.

Last night the topics at the meeting included Serenity, Forgiveness and Patience.

Patience is something I know well...we have a solid relationship. You cannot do time in jail without learning to respect time, respecting time is the foundation of my patience. Living in a building controlled by people as lost and clueless as the people they hold captive teaches patience by mountains.

For me forgiveness and serenity go hand in hand. How can I know serenity without forgiveness? I cannot afford to hold resentment, I have no choice but to forgive. I held resentments against the legal system at large, police, corrections, district attorneys, parole & probation, etc, ad nauseam for too many years. Now, to say that I have respect for an inherently corrupt system would be a stretch...however; the people upholding that system are simply people after all. They go about their ant business in the ant-hill; unquestioning...and probably truly believing that they are doing the right thing. I cannot fault them for that. The fact of the matter is this, we are all connected. I cannot wish harm on people without also harming myself. I forgive these people for my own interest primarily...and for theirs secondarily. And not just them. I forgive everyone who I ever perceived to have done me wrong. I truly wish wellness, happiness and peace to everyone.

This is the only path to serenity that I know.

Serenity is not blind and sublime bliss. Serenity is peace of mind. Serenity can be known in chaos. Serenity is subjective, it is your own and only you can define it for yourself. My own serenity is manifest in how I interact with and view my world. I am now intimate with serenity in a way I have never before been. I have spent a great deal of my life focused on hate...I know both ends of this. And I have to say that serenity is a better companion by far. I have my coffee & tobacco, I meditate, I go to meetings, I am a member of my family; a friend to my friends, I listen to the blues and I write. My existence is peaceful. I know serenity.